


Seduce The Dragon

by UAs_Fics



Category: South Park
Genre: Characters play D&D, Flirting, M/M, Mild Language, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 15:30:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15975209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UAs_Fics/pseuds/UAs_Fics
Summary: "You're seducing the dragon, Jimmy, not me.""Can't I do both?"





	Seduce The Dragon

**Author's Note:**

> Shout out to my dm friends who helped with making sure the idea worked and to my buddy [ Vee-chan](https://instagram.com/insanysyn?utm_source=ig_profile_share&igshid=ua6990fk50ok) for doing a quick beta for me. :3

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"The red dragon bellows out, spewing fire into the ceiling of the cavern. The Goblet of Power it consumed gave it a burst of power it had never felt before, though at the expense of its sense and sanity--however given it had even considered using the Goblet at all, perhaps it didn't have much to being with.

"Hundreds of bats fall down to the floor below, roasted by the flames. The halfling you had escorted here stays hidden behind a rock with blood oozing from a gash in his arm. He clutches the only weapon he had, a simple knife, knowing he can do nothing and is too scared to move.

"Your cleric lays in a pool of their own blood, death nearing them with every passing second. The half-orc you picked up along the way thrashes against five kobolds that claw and bite at him. Finally, there is you, the elf bard. You have no spell slots left, and your crossbow has been crushed by the dragon's last attack." Kyle smirked at his players over the game screen. "What do you do?"

Stan groaned, slumping down in his chair. "Roll up a new character. With how the dice are treating me tonight, no way I'm going to make this last death saving throw."

Kenny set a four sided die on top of his growing dice tower. "Yeah, these kobolds are fucking me up the ass here, and, Jimmy, dude, you are toast--literally."

Jimmy pursed his lips. He rubbed his chin as he examined the game board laid out before him on the iPad. "Yeah, Kyle you put us in quite the p-p-pickle." 

Kyle rested his chin in his hand. "I told you if any of you play as the characters you always play, I was going to make this game harder. Brought this on yourself, Jimmy."

Both Kenny and Stan sent a glare at him, who shrugged it off. His new character wasn't the _same_ elven bard he usually played as. This one didn't have anything to do with royalty and didn't play the flute, or not the metal one.

Though, If things kept going as they were, this new bard was going to have his character sheet ripped up by the end of the night anyway.

Jimmy chewed his thumb in thought. 

"Could we pretend in this moment that the adrenaline could give me a spell slot?" Jimmy asked, knowing full well the answer.

"Nope." Kyle shook his head, red curls covering his eyes. With a slight huff, he reached up and brushed them aside.

As Jimmy watched this, an idea hit him. It was a terrible idea, but if he couldn't figure out another plan, he might not have a choice.

"What did you say the relic the dragon ate did again?" He asked.

"The Goblet of Power dropped the dragon's wisdom and intelligence way down, but it's strength and speed are doubled." Kyle explained.

"Translation, Kyle's fucking with us." Stan scooted his chair out. "Heading to the kitchen. Anyone want anything?"

"Might as well enjoy a soda before these fuckers eat my dick off next turn." Kenny called.

"Bring me a water." Kyle said.

"Nothing for me." Jimmy muttered as he rotated the battlefield. Kyle was already upset at him for his bard stunt. If he didn't think of another plan, there was a good chance Kyle would barrel across the table and strangle him.

"Gotcha." Stan replied as he disappeared into the kitchen

The healing salve the dragon knocked from his hand last turn was too far away from him to get. He had already tried to lull the dragon to sleep, and that plan would have worked if Kenny hadn't ran up and tried to punch the dragon in the nose before it could be fully lulled. There was no place to hide and no way to help Kenny. 

He was out of options.

"Dammit..." He grumbled as Stan returned. Stan set one of the Cokes he held in front of Kenny and a glass of water down for Kyle. As he did, he tried to peek over at all the papers and stats Kyle had, only for Kyle to shoo him away.

Jimmy sighed. "Alright, I know what I want to do."

"What?" Kyle took a drink.

"I want to..." His lips twitched up into a smirk. "seduce the dragon."

The dungeon master gagged on his water, beating his chest. Beside Jimmy, Kenny began to roar with laughter, slapping his hand on the table. Stan tried to cover his smile, but failed miserably.

"You _what_?" Kyle demanded between coughs.

"I'm going to try and get me some dragon p-pus." Jimmy paused. "Or dick. I'm not picky."

Kyle groaned, rubbing his temples. Cartman leaving the DM position in a huff last month made total sense now. As a player, Kyle never realised how annoying it was to have the players try things like this or throw a wrench in his plans.

Kenny gasped. He grabbed the dungeon master screen and shook it slightly. "Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Can I give Jimmy advantage to his roll if I play wingman?"

"You're under a mountain of minions!" Kyle snapped.

"I can still yell what a catch Jimmy is." Kenny threw his arm around Jimmy's shoulder. "I am totally up to proclaiming how good Jimmy's 'little jimmy' is."

"So that's why it took you two so long to save me when I got kidnapped last session." Stan poked Jimmy in the side. "Fuckers."

Jimmy smirked, wrapping his arm around Kenny's waist. "What we do when you're being b-b-bound and gagged is none of your business."

Kenny jokingly rested his head on his shoulders and stroked his chest. Jimmy snuggled him close, burying his nose in Kenny's hair, earning himself a half-giggle half-snort.

Kyle dragged his hands down his face with a groan. "Oh, Lord, how to you plan on doing this? You know the house rules about charming someone into sex. Not that you have a spell slot for charm person available." 

Jimmy disentangled himself from Kenny. "I'm going to use my wonderful word w-wea-weaving tongue." He winked. 

Behind the screen, Kyle shuffled around his papers. He pursed his lips then unlocked his phone. After a moment of googling, he sighed.

"You know what, fuck it! This game has gone on for the last four hours." He threw his hands up. "We'll just do a charisma contest. However this ends, it ends. This is the _only time_ I'm letting you try this, but first, show me what you got. Flirt your way out of death, Sir Silver Tongue." 

Jimmy smirked. He leaned forward, resting his chin on his knuckles. He cocked his eyebrow up. His eyes glittered with pure mischief.

"First, as my, heh, ‘bonus action, I call to Stan that the healing salve I lost is, like, right next to his hand. So if this fails, he can heal himself." He held up his finger and wagged it.

"What? You couldn't have told me that a death save ago?" Stan rolled his eyes. 

"Hush, Stan. You still have to beat a death save before you can use it anyway." Kyle pointed his pencil at Stan's nose.

"I'm writing it into my inventory anyway. If Jimmy fails, we're all dead no matter what I roll." Stan replied, snatching the pencil from his hands.

Jimmy cleared his throat before continuing. "Ok, so, I walk forward, pull my lute out and begin to softly play as I flash my million dollar, lady/man/nonbinary person killing smile." The light glinted off his braces as he grinned at Kyle. 

Trying to stifle a chuckle, Stan pulled up a youtube video of lute music on his phone and set it down on the table. Kyle shot him a glare. He did not turn off the video.

"I do a spin so the dragon can get a good look at my fine form," Jimmy said, "then I wink at him, then in the most suave possible voice, I say to him, 'why hello there, my fine, flaming friend.'" 

Kenny snorted, nearly sending his drink from his nose. Kyle rolled his hand for Jimmy to go on. 

"'Since the moment I stepped into this cave and set my elven eyes on your scarlet s-sc-scales, I knew I just had to get to know you, close and personal.'" Jimmy scooted farther up in his chair to lean across the table. "'You're just so awe-inspiring and kind-hearted and wickedly smart. It would make me the happiest bard in the world if you would do me the honor of a date.'"

"From under the kobold orgy, I yell," Kenny coughed into his hand before he dropped his voice a few pitches, "'You would be remiss to pass Jimmy up! He's the funniest guy in the world! I wouldn’t pass him over if I were you!'"

Stan's head fell into his arms, his shoulders shaking with uncontrollable laughter. 

Kyle snorted. "I should make you roll persuasion, since that was all a lie."

Jimmy fixed Kyle with a sincere look. "I wasn't lying."

The gears in Kyle's head ground together a moment before Jimmy's words clicked. He rolled his eyes.

"You're seducing the dragon, Jimmy, not me." 

"Can't I do both?" Jimmy asked with mock disappointment. 

Kyle shook his head. "Just roll charisma so I can kick you all out and take a shower."

Jimmy slumped back in his chair. He plucked his d20 from the middle of Kenny's dice tower. The tower toppled, sending dice across the table. Kenny scrambled to snatch the d8 that rolled off the table before setting it on top of his character sheet.

With a grin, Jimmy held the die out flat in his palm to Kenny.

"Good luck kiss, wingman?" He asked.

"Of course!" Kenny kissed his fingers before tapping them to the twenty on the die. "Good luck, for all our sakes." 

Jimmy began to shake the die in his hands. He scrunched up his face before throwing the die across the table. It hit the game master screen and bounced back in front of Jimmy. Stan and Kenny leaned forward, blocking Kyle's view.

Wide, cheeky grins spread across the players’ faces. 

With a glare, Kyle asked, "I swear to God, if it's a natural twenty, I'm going to shove your crutches down your throat." 

Jimmy gave an impish smile. "It's a nineteen."

"Plus his charisma modifier, you'll need to beat, what, a twenty-five? Yeah, twenty-five." Stan peeked around Jimmy's arm at his character sheet. 

Kyle let out a cry of frustration. Without a word, he reached for his die. It clattered against the screen after he threw it. Kyle stared down at it before heaving a sigh.

"What is it? Please say ‘it's a critical fail’," Kenny bounced in his seat.

Kyle glowered over the screen. "It's a two."

A roar of excitement shook the table from the players. Rounds of high fives were exchanged as Kyle hid his face in his hands. 

He dragged his fingers through his curls. "Alright, so, by some miracle of whatever god you pray to, this dragon, who literally wanted to kill you ten seconds ago, is suddenly very interested in you and wants to take up your offer. It grabs you by the middle and takes you to the back of the cave where there is a large opening to the world above. It flies up and you two go on the most romantic date the kingdom has ever seen.

"Oh, and before it leaves, it coughs up the Goblet. The halfling you were escorting scurries out, snatches it, and scurries away."

"What about the kobolds?" Kenny cut in.

"They see their leader leaving and climb off you. Before you can even stand up, the kobolds wander back off into their tunnels." Kyle stood and reached over the screen to grab the iPad. "So you two chucklefucks get to wait there and take a long rest while Jimmy fucks a dragon. Game over for today."

He pointed towards the door. "Go home."

Stan handed Jimmy his crutches then began to help Kyle pick up the table. Kenny stood and stretched. He took a few steps backwards to the window and pulled back the curtains. 

"I'm going to go start the truck." He took his keys from his pockets and tossed them up before snatching them from the air. "Be back."

"D-d-don't die," Jimmy joked as he pushed himself up. 

"No promises." Kenny laughed as he left. 

Jimmy swung his head around, more to stretched his neck muscles than to look around for Kyle and Stan, who were still in the kitchen chatting.

This was the first break they'd taken in the past two hours. In that time, Jimmy knew he'd drank probably more than one bladderful of soda. Without the game to distract him, his bladder had his full attention.

As Jimmy headed towards the bathroom, he passed Kyle's seat. He paused a moment, looking over towards the kitchen. He couldn't see Kyle, but Stan had jumped up on the counter, so in all likelihood, Kyle wasn't going to come out for a few minutes.

Taking a reprieve from his mission to relieve himself, Jimmy turned to snoop around Kyle's plans. 

Behind the screen, Kyle's laptop sat in the corner. He had the website they used for the battle map pulled up on half of the screen and another map of the entirety of the cave on the other.

Jimmy then found two stacks of papers with the same monsters and traps, but one had higher stats and difficulty than the other. The lower stat papers must have been what Kyle planned on using had Jimmy not tried to troll him with his elf bard. 

After a quick scan of the higher stats, Jimmy was surprised his party had made it as far as they did without any of them dying. 

His eyes slid across the table towards Kyle's dice bag and his d20.

Before his brain could process what he saw, Kenny threw open the door. Jimmy jumped back from the screen, pretending he was instead reading over Stan's notes. 

"Good thing we all have to get cozy in the front seat, because my heater is going out again." Kenny announced, snow falling off his shoulder.

Stan hopped off the counter to walk over and poke his head into the room. "I thought you got that thing fixed?"

"Kevin and I did have it fixed." Kenny defended.

Stan made a show of zipping his jacket to his chin and pulling his hat down over his ears. Kenny mock punched him in the shoulder.

"Just get in the truck, Stanley." Kenny ordered. 

Jimmy chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment before coughing into his hand.

"Actually, fellas, if it's ok with Kyle," he started, "could I stay here? Roll up a new c-character for next time."

"New character?" Stan raised an eyebrow. 

"I think I'd rather play as someone else for the rest of the campaign. My bard is going to be sore after what he and that dragon do to each other." Jimmy explained. "Would that be alright, Kyle? My dad is working late at the fire station; he can pick me up."

Kyle grinned. "Sure, dude. Anything to get you out your archetypes."

Kenny slung his arm around Stan's shoulder then raised his leg up and pressed it against Stan's stomach. 

"Guess it's just you and me, getting all close the three minute drive to your house." Kenny teased.

Stan snorted, grabbing Kenny's leg with one hand and wrapping the other around his shoulders. 

Jimmy chuckled as the two tried to shamble their way out the door, only for Stan to slam his spine into the door frame and drop Kenny forward. 

Kenny scrambled to his feet and brushed off his pants coolly. Shooting finger guns at Kyle and Jimmy he walked backwards into the snowy night.

Stan rubbed his back, but shot one finger gun at them. 

"I'll make sure Kenny texts you when he gets home." Stan promised. "Night, dudes." He shut the door as he left.

A moment later, the headlights of Kenny's truck shown through the window as he pulled out.

“I'm going to run to the b-bathroom.” Jimmy jabbed his thumb towards the hall. Kyle nodded as he headed back into the kitchen.

When Jimmy returned from his leader’s quest, he noticed that Kyle had put all his dice in their bag and set them on his closed laptop.

Jimmy sat back into his seat as Kyle came down the stairs, probably from his room.

Kyle slipped behind his screen and fished out a clean character sheet then took Stan's old seat. He laid the sheet out, smoothing out the corners.

"Ok, so I'm banning you from being a bard or any elf, half or otherwise." Kyle began. "If you want to round out the party, I'd suggest a spell sling--"

"You got a natural twenty." Jimmy cut in.

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You fudged that last roll. I saw your die." Jimmy stated in a deadpan. "You rolled a 20. I know dragons have a high enough charisma to beat my roll."

Kyle's mouth gaped open a moment before he nervously said, "But, ah, the Goblet reduced--"

"It's intelligence and wisdom. Charisma was unaffected." 

Kyle chewed his lower lip. He ran his hand through his hair. A heavy sigh escaped his mouth.

"Ok. You caught me, but, look, Jimmy, I couldn't let you guys loose." Kyle leaned forward on his elbows. "It's taken me weeks to get Stan and Kenny to step out of their comfort zones for this. If you guys died only two sessions in, they might give up and go back to being a fighter and archer again."

Jimmy frowned, shaking his head. "Both of them were having fun, even if we were losing. We both know that."

Kyle squirmed in his seat, refusing to meet his eyes. Jimmy watched him for a few beats before his deadpan broke into a wide smile.

"You know what I think, Kyle?" Jimmy leaned close, wrapping his arm around Kyle's back and pulling him close to whisper in his hear, "You liked my flirting and wanted to reflect that without the others knowing."

Kyle's face grew bright red as he sat in stunned silence. His mouth gaped open again. Without thinking about it, Kyle began to lean away only to fall backwards out of the chair. 

Jimmy gasped, tightening his grip around his back, and kept him from hitting the floor. 

"Are you ok?!" 

"S-shit, dude," Kyle stammered. "I mean, I, that's not, I-I..." He dropped his head to the table. "Maybe, that was a little bit of it."

Jimmy blinked in surprise. His own cheeks started to turn pink. Jimmy took a deep breath and calmed himself.

He had to approach this carefully: not too funny because Kyle might think he's playing him and not to serious or that would be much too boring for the best comedian South Park has.

"Well, Kyle, I'm flattered, but I have to admit," Jimmy winked, "if I knew you were into it, I would b-brought up that amazing ass of yours."

Kyle snorted. "So, are you retroactively asking me on a date?"

Jimmy shrugged. "Sure. I've already gotten all the flirting and ego stroking out of the way, right?"

Kyle picked up his pencil and began to spin it between his fingers. "Is this one of your infamous 'dates' that is actually you taking someone to your own show as a seat-filler or an real date?" 

Jimmy lifted a shoulder in a half shrug. "Can't it be both?"

"You're horrible." Kyle chuckled, giving the slightest snort at the end. "I'll make you a deal, make a character that isn't a bard or elf or anything like those two, and I'll say 'yes'."

Jimmy playfully screwed up his face in thought before bobbing his head. "Deal." 

With that, the two scooted closer together to roll up a new character.

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**Author's Note:**

> I've been listening to some dnd podcast lately and this idea is the result.
> 
> [my writing blog ](http://uas-fics.tumblr.com)   
> [my general art blog ](http://uas-art.tumblr.com)


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